Some days are better than others, some are worse–that is the way life works. I had a day that was one of the not so awesome days; it ended with an ugly cry in the shower. 37 weeks and 5 days pregnant is not the best time to discover thrombosed hemorrhoids, it is even worse when your husband is on a work trip and you also discover your baby is breech. I can proudly say I made it through the day with our normal schedule–pancakes, library, splash pad, lunch, movie time, nap time, dinner. I squeezed in a nap somewhere in there because my amazing sister-in-law is in town and was watching Baby J.
If you have never experienced hemorrhoids you are a lucky person, it feels like someone is stabbing me with every step, every breath, and every slight movement. Top that with all the lovely foot swelling, the internal movement that comes with being pregnant, and all the glory that comes with hormone changes and you have the amazement that was my day. As I stood in my shower I felt like a failure: Baby J had been a nightmare to deal with running around and reeking havoc as he pleased, Baby M couldn’t figure out which direction he was supposed to be facing, and my body was giving out — I couldn’t keep up. As I quickly finished my shower and tended to the wounds both internal and external I wished there was someone I could call or text, someone who would understand-I have friends but 12 AM is hardly the time to call them, my husband was in a different time zone attending some special dinner, and all I could manage was a good cry and it had to do.
If you have ever been pregnant I hope you can relate, there are few things that help you move on like a good cry. I pulled myself together walked out into the disaster that was my house and started cleaning, 12 AM is as good a time as any to deal with the destruction of the day and a clean house helps me think. I came to the realization that I had done pretty well: all of the kids had been fed, loved, cleaned, and put to bed; I hadn’t missed any of the things I had promised my nephews we would do, and I had worked through the pain as well as I could. I decided I needed to take a little time for myself so after typing half a post I decided to put a pin in it so that I did not overshare.
I realized how thankful I should be: my bills were paid; Baby J was happy, healthy, and asleep; my sister-in-law and her boys seemed to be having a good time; other than being stubborn, Baby M was healthy and cooking well; my husband was happy and feeling fulfilled at his meetings — why was I not feeling overjoyed? Which part of my life was lacking? As I sat there thinking I realized I was feeling a lack of contribution. I was not contributing to the family finances, the house constantly looked like I did nothing, my son was a nightmare who seemed to lack discipline…the list went on and on. I realized I was having trouble measuring my self-worth and that was a problem, a problem I feel a lot of people face. At work there is normally someone who validates you or some kind of metric you know that you are hitting but when your home and family is your work what is your metric, how do you know you’re doing it right? Your exhausted spouse has more things on their mind than they care to share, your kid isn’t about to tell you you’re doing it right, the judgemental looks you get in public for your three year olds behavior is not giving you any moral support where do you get that validation? And finally it dawned on me — the metric had to be yourself, had you done your best; in the moment had you done all you could do to make it work? If the answer was yes then you were all right. It’s not about how much money you did or didn’t bring home, not about how clean your house was, not about how well-behaved your child had been in public, it was about how hard you were trying. If getting up and working through the pain so you could make sure your son made story time was all you could manage before ordering a pizza and crashing to relieve some of the pain you were feeling then by golly that had to do. Eventually you would get there, and asking for help was key, you are worth helping.
As I sit here typing I know my house is a disaster (I need to vacuum, do laundry, clean the dishes, pick up toys), dinner is not made, my kid is watching Netflix in his beanbag chair, and I have no idea where to even start. I do know that he’s been fed, he is relatively clean, we read some books, and that he had fun playing with his friend today — he has not been sitting here watching TV all day and I am sure we made at least one lasting memory that he’ll tell his dad about as soon as he walks in the door. I also know that none of the things I haven’t done are going anywhere. My hungry husband will help me make dinner, the toys will be picked up, the vacuum will be run, and my washer and dryer honestly probably need a break. Life will go on and I will do it all over again tomorrow; hopefully Baby M has figured out that he’s supposed to face downward but that’s not something I can control at the moment. For now I need everyone to remember 1) you are enough 2) you do enough 3) as long as you tried your best then go ahead and be at peace with yourself. As always if you got anything out of this please share, like, follow, or leave a comment! I love hearing what you have to say!